Just a Dream
by leatherrumandthesea
Summary: Killian is a soldier and Emma's fiance. Based off the Carrie Underwood song by the same title. Edited 9/30/15


Baby why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go

I was counting on forever, now I'll never know

_It was everything she had wanted her wedding to be. All the people that mattered to her were there, but he was definitely the most important._

Only a month into dating Killian Jones, Emma Swan had known that he was it for her. She didn't want anyone else. They had known each other for years, because he had befriended her cousin David shortly after he moved to the States from London. She'd had a crush on him when she was little, but she didn't know until the night of her senior prom that he had feelings for her, too. Her boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) Neal had broken up with her just two weeks before for a girl named Tamara, and she hadn't wanted to go with anyone else. Her plans for the night included curling up on the couch in her sweat pants with some rocky road ice cream and watching _He's Just Not That into You_. Killian had come over (she later found out that David had called him) and he told her she shouldn't be alone that night.

He had taken her to get grilled cheese and onion rings at the diner she loved and brought along a thermos of hot chocolate. They went to the docks and sat on a bench looking out over the water and talked the whole night. That was when he admitted that he had liked her for years, and she was stunned, never imagining that her feelings for him would be reciprocated. At the end of it, he kissed her and had tasted like chocolate. He finally brought her home a little after 5 the next morning. David had tried to look disapproving, but had failed miserably.

When Neal called her later, asking for a second chance and telling her that he realized he didn't feel the same way about Tamara that he did about her, she told him that was too bad and hung up on him. She started dating Kilian the next day and he never looked back.

_The doors opened and Emma gazed down the aisle, looking at him intently. He looked so handsome in his military uniform, all dark hair and light blue eyes. God, his eyes. They were the most beautiful blue she had ever seen, and she wanted to spend the rest of her life looking into them. His face lit up when he saw her, and she felt her own face mirror his. She shook off the memory of the day he had left with David, both of them going overseas. Her stomach had been in knots, but not now. David walked her down the aisle, tears in his eyes. He was the only family she had left-her parents had died when she was a baby, and her Aunt Ruth had died when she was in high school. David offered her hand to Killian and just when her hand was about to touch hers-_

Her phone went off. She turned her head to look at the clock, groaning loudly at the bright numbers proclaiming it 3:15 in the morning. She reached to rub the sleep from her eyes, quickly running through the reasons that someone would be calling at this time and her heart plummeted to her stomach. There was only one reason she could think of and the thought filled her with dread.

She scrambled for her phone, terror seizing her heart when she recognized the number that she used whenever she would talk to Killian or David. Her hand trembled as she slid her thumb across the screen and brought the phone to her ear.

"Hello?" she asked, her entire body shaking. She held her breath, sending up a prayer to any deity that would listen that this would all be a huge misunderstanding.

"Emma," David's voice came from the other end of the phone. She didn't need to hear what he had to say because she heard it all in his voice.

Killian was gone.

She felt as if all the air had been sucked from her lungs. Her body was frozen, the trembling had ceased, and she felt completely and utterly empty for the first time in years.

He had always been there. When she was in 8th grade and the popular girls teased her because she didn't have the nicest clothes or for whatever reason kids are mean to each other for, she hadn't wanted to tell anyone. It wasn't until after she came home one day crying because one of the boys on the bus told her no one would ever love her because she wasn't pretty enough that she finally told her Aunt Ruth what had been happening. David and Killian were sophomores at the time, and had sat in the living room eavesdropping while her aunt soothed her. The next day, Killian surprised her outside of the junior high building with his car, and made a point of loudly asking "How was school, beautiful?" She never rode the bus again.

When Neal had broken up with her he had taken her mind off of it for just a little while and changed her life with a single night and the most amazing kiss.

When they had fought he would be the one that would call first because he knew that her stubborn nature would prevent her from saying anything until he did. He knew she had been hurt too many times before and that she would wait for him to break the silence first, for him to prove that he still wanted her.

He always did.

Images of the life they wanted together flashed in her mind. They had disagreed over whose eyes they wanted their children to have, him insisting that her green eyes were much more beautiful than his, but she was adamant nothing could beat his piercing blue gaze. They were planning on getting a house, building a life, a family. She was going to be a teacher, and he was going to work at the harbor while he was home and then after he left the military. They were supposed to be getting married in less than a month. He was supposed to be home in a few days.

The initial shock wore off, and the first sob escaped her lips, and she curled in on herself, trying desperately to hold herself together as everything shattered. She barely registered David's pleading voice on the other end of the line.

"Emma, I'm sorry. I tried. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

But it wasn't enough. Nothing would ever be enough.

"Tell me what happened, David," she choked out.

"Emma-" he started, but she would have none of it.

"No, I need to know. Please. Tell me."

David sighed. He still wanted to protect her, but knew she wouldn't give in until she knew. "I was pinned down. Killian was covering me, and he ran out to where I was. He was helping me back to where everyone else was when he was hit. He was blocking me. We managed to get back to where we were covered, but there was nothing we could do. He saved my life, Emma, I am so sorry," his voice broke, and Emma knew the grief he must be feeling over the loss of his best friend. "I tried, Emma. I did everything could I am so sorry."

"Rage suddenly flared through her. She knew he was hurting just as much as she was, but she didn't care. "No, you didn't do everything. If you had then he would still be here. He would be coming home in a week. If you had done everything, he wouldn't be…he wouldn't be-" her voice broke and she started sobbing again. The anger that had risen up so suddenly vanished and all she was left with was a sharp ache.

"This can't be real. David tell me this is just a dream, please." she couldn't imagine what her life would be like without him and she didn't want to. It had been her worst nightmare since the day he and David had enlisted together that she would wake up one day and one of them wouldn't be there, and now she was living it.

Waking up was both the best and worst part of Emma's life now. Every time she would wake up she would have a few blissful moments where she was still half asleep and she hadn't lost the love of her life, and he would be coming home soon. Then reality would creep in and she would remember.

David's wife Mary Margaret would drop in occasionally to check up on her, make her food, or quietly sit next to her and offer support. Emma appreciated the effort, but she couldn't help but find it painfully ironic that the one person who would have been able to help her grieve Killian was Killian himself. She remembered one year she got really sick with the flu and had to stay in bed for three whole days because she couldn't move. Killian had hardly left her side the entire time, choosing to sit next to her on their bed watching Netflix or simply running his hand through her hair to soothe her. He told her all the time that her hair reminded him of sunshine, and it fit perfectly because that's what she was to him; his sunshine. When he did leave her side, it was only to return with tissues, soup, medicine, or anything else she might have needed. Once when he brought her soup he insisted on kissing her, despite her saying she didn't want to get him sick. A couple days later, when he was just as sick as she had been, she brought him his own bowl of soup and whispered "I told you so." He had simply smiled and said "It was worth it."

Life without Killian was even harder than she expected, if that was possible. She didn't feel like getting out of bed most days, and on the days she did she felt like she was going through the motions. She had been told to take as much time as she needed to come back to work, but she didn't know if she would ever feel like enough time had passed.

Most days she spent on her own, not wanting to be surrounded by people with hollow condolences and offering their help should she need anything and trying to help her feel better. Nothing they could say would be able to alleviate the hollow ache in her chest.

She often found herself staring at the ring she hadn't been able to take off her finger and reliving the day he had given it to her. He had been deployed for ten months and was coming home on leave. She and Mary Margaret had arrived at the airport two hours before his flight was scheduled to land. She didn't know how she hadn't driven Mary Margaret insane in that amount of time, with her constant sitting and leg shaking or standing and pacing. When the plane finally landed she hadn't been able to sit any longer. He was the first one off the plane, and she had run straight to him, the curious looks and annoyed glares she had gotten as she sprinted through the crowded airport changed to knowing smiles as soon as the crowd saw her run into the arms of a soldier dressed in military fatigues.

She cried into his chest and his arms were wrapped so tightly around her she felt like she was being crushed, but she didn't mind. He pulled away, claiming he had something to tell her. At her look of confusion, he had knelt down and pulled the ring box out of his pocket. The crowd around them had gasped, some had cheered, but they only had eyes for each other. Before he had even finished asking her if she would marry him, she was already nodding yes, and when he slipped the ring on her finger she pulled him up to her and kissed him for all he was worth. The entire airport had applauded, all of them witnessing a part of the story of two people who loved each other fiercely, and celebrating the fact that this soldier came home, this soldier got his happy ending.

If only.

Eventually the day she had been dreading arrived. The day of Killian's funeral taunted her with the beautiful weather. It was five years to the day since the night of her senior prom when he had kissed her for the first time. It seemed fitting that the day their story began would also be the day that it would end.

Killian would have hated it. He hated being the center of attention, and even though she knew he would much rather everyone tell jokes and happy stories about him, she couldn't find it in her to try to smile that day. The preacher had meant well, having everyone pray and asking for comfort and singing songs about flying away and amazing grace, but Killian hand never been overly religious and she knew he would have hated that too. Let people find comfort in each other rather than looking to someone that had bigger problems than the pain caused by the death of a single soldier, he would say. Emma would have to say she would agree with him. That single soldier wasn't just another nameless and faceless person like he was to the rest of the world. To her, he was the world. And he was gone.

David stood up and gave a eulogy because Emma didn't think she would even be able to write one, let alone make it through speaking it. How do you put into words the kind of love she had with Killian? It was the kind of thing you only truly understand if you feel it for yourself. Even if she could have written it, she would have been selfish enough to not share it with anyone, not even David, because it was the one thing that she had of him that belonged to no one else. Killian loved many people, but he had given her his heart and Emma wanted to cling to as much as she had left of him as possible.

When the flag was placed in her hands, it suddenly hit her all over again. He wasn't coming back. She was never going to hold his hand with his fingers entwined in hers, he was never going to smile at her over his coffee in the morning and make some joke about how he much preferred tea (he had never really lost the Englishman in him even after he had lived in America for years). He was never going to look at her again, with his eyes filled with love and something more she couldn't even name right before he kissed her. She felt the cloth settle in her hands and she broke. The tears came again and she couldn't stop the sobs that shook her body. David's arm came around her shoulder but it did nothing.

The first round of shots fired, and she felt herself jump at the sudden sound. This was the part she dreaded most, because it felt to her like a slow march, counting down the seconds until the smoke cleared and the final shot stopped ringing and it would all be over, and he would really be gone. Killian would be lowered into the ground and the person that had brought light into her life would be hidden beneath the Earth.

At least at his funeral she was able to hold on to some semblance of him, but when it was over her life wasn't-she still faced years without him. When the last shot rang out, she clutched the flag in her lap hard to her chest and turned her body towards David, seeking comfort in him like she had for so many years before Killian had come along, but it wasn't the same as it had been when she was younger. She knew it probably never would be again.

After the funeral, all Emma wanted to do was go back to her apartment and sleep. She knew it would bring little comfort, but maybe she would be able to dream about him and get some little piece of the happily ever after they were denied. David had walked in with her, more protective of her now than ever if that was even possible. She was getting tired of it.

"Look, David, I know you're just trying to be there for me or whatever, but really, I just want to be alone," she could hear the pleading tone in her voice.

"I understand. I know it seems like I'm obligated to say this and I know it won't help at all, but if you need anything, please just ask me. Killian loved you so much, and I know he'd throttle me if I could have done something to help you but didn't."

Emma let out a nose halfway between a laugh and a sob, because she knew David was right.

"I just wish I had a chance to say goodbye, you know? The last time we talked was so rushed I barely had time to say anything to him or him to me…" her voice broke again, and when she looked up, David was looking at her curiously.

"Emma, when was the last time you checked your email?" he asked cautiously.

"I don't know, a couple weeks? Not since the night you called me," she said, suddenly curious why it mattered.

David gave her a knowing look and said "I think you need to check it again." He ignored her confused stammering and kissed her forehead before leaving her alone. Emma stared after him for a few seconds, before walking into her room and sitting at the desk she had shared with Killian and opening her laptop.

She had a message, and it was from him.

She stared at it blankly for a few seconds before opening it and skimming the few words he had written.

_Emma,_

_I'm sorry I won't be able to call this week, but I couldn't stand the thought of you not hearing from me. I love you and I can't wait to see you again._

_All my love,_

_Killian_

Her eyes were already swimming with tears when she clicked on the attached video and Killian's face filled her computer screen. He had that silly grin he always got when he was up to something. She took a shaky breath and played it.

"Hi, Emma" was all he said before she broke down. She had thought she was never going to hear him say her name again. It was already more than she could hope for and she continued to listen to his accented voice, already soothing her aching heart a little.

"I want nothing more than to be able to talk to you, but I don't think it's going to be possible this week. I know how much our conversations mean to me, so I can only imagine how important they are for you."

"Who are you talking to over there, Jones?" one of the men from his unit asked him from the background.

"Who do you think I'm talking to?" Killian turned to the side with a sly grin.

"Aww, come on man, you talk to her every week and about her nonstop, don't you run out of things to say?"

"Never. Wait until you meet the love of your life, then come tell me if you still feel that way." Emma's eyes started to water at his words and felt her heart flutter when Killian winked at the camera.

"Guys, leave him alone," David came into view and she had to augh at the way his hands were on his hips and he sounded like a scolding parent.

She heard rumbling before Killian turned back to her, his eyes shining with amusement. "Sorry about that, love. I've told you how immature this lot can be," he said. She heard a distinctive "_Hey_" in the background, but Killian just smiled and shook his head.

"Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and miss you. It's so hard being away from you, and I hope you don't plan on doing anything by yourself for a while after I get back because I'm not going to be able to let you out of my sight." Emma's face fell, and she didn't try to stop the fresh tears that fell. They never got that reunion. They never got any of it.

"I can't wait to see you, because that means I'm that much closer to getting to marry you. I can't wait to start our lives together because you are my happy ending, love. Just being with you is all I need. I love you so much Emma, so much that sometimes I feel like 'I love you' isn't strong enough. No matter what happens for the rest of our lives, I hope you know that."

"Jones, put the camera away, we have to go," a voice called.

Killian turned back to face her, grinning. "Twenty seven day, love. I'll see you soon." She paused the video, because there was her favorite smile. The one reserved just for her where his eyes shone and she felt like he was looking into her heart. The one that made her feel loved and cherished beyond anything she could have ever hoped for. She pressed play again, wanting to see every second of his last message to her.

"I love you, Emma."

The video ended, frozen on his smile as he reached out to stop the recording. She took a deep shaky breath.

"I love you too, Killian. Always."


End file.
